Must......Catch.......Up

Yes, I am still alive and well. No, I didn't break my computer or lose my internet connection. I've just been busy doing things other than blogging. Nothing big, special, or super important, I've just not been in a bloggy kind of mood. Lemme see if I can do a run down on the happenings around here lately.

Daniel is doing fine. He should be home sometime in August. Hopefully before our 10th anniversary on the 14th. (Speaking of, my mom found a bottle of champaign that my uncle gave us for our wedding. Does champaign age like wines or should I chunk it in the trash? Was thinking it might be neat to have for our celebration. Anyone know?)There's really not a lot of news from his front, other than he is ready to come home.

Jackson is doing great. I got a little freaked out at his two month appointment. His doctor was concerned that his breathing rate was elevated, so instead of doing the shots that day, he sent us to have blood work and a chest xray done. They both came back fine. I was just told to call the doctor if Jackson starts breathing fast constantly or if his breathing becomes labored or seems off to me. He is growing fast! He was 13 lbs, 13 oz and 22 1/2 inches at his two month appointment. He has started to smile, and he has the CUTEST little dimples when he does. I think I may have an exhibitionist on my hands. When his diaper is being changed, he usually giggles once he's naked. Not sure if the air just feels good to him or what, but it's pretty funny. I just hope this doesn't mean he's gonna prefer to be naked. I have put the phone on speaker several times when Daniel has called, and when he hears Daddy's voice, he just looks at the phone kind of like "where's that voice coming from?" Sometimes he will talk back to Daddy with lots of goos and ahhs.

I'm doing ok. I'm dreading the fact that I am going to have to go back to work when Daniel comes home. As much as I would love to stay at home with Jackson, Daniel's civilian job doesn't pay as much as the Army does, so we gotta close that gap. I can already tell it's going to break my heart to have to leave him. I just keep telling myself that it'll be good for him, and that he needs to learn to interact and play with others. But even with that, truth be told, if there was a way for me to stay home and be able to stay on top of our bills, I would not be considering putting him in daycare. I know I have to be the grown up about it though, so I plan to cherish as much time as possible for the next few months. I'm also not looking forward to the whole find a new job process. Ugh. Lately I have been dealing with insomnia. Not a fun thing to do. But I think it's slowly getting better. (she says as it's 1:24 am as she types.) Eventually I will get back to a normal schedule.

Thats all that I really have to update. Now you know why the blog has been slow....there hasn't been much to report. But we are all doing well, and are very appreciative of all the people who continue to pray for us, and keep in touch to make sure we are ok. Maybe next time I will find something more exciting to blog about. Til then.....

Memorial Day

Many people are looking forward to this weekend because they see it as the kick-off to summer, or because the last long weekend they had was too far back. I am glad summer is here, and I know if I were working, I would definately be ready for a long weekend. It's also a time when we think of our loved ones who have passed. But I'd also like to ask everyone reading to take a moment to remember the men and women who serve our country, and those who served in the past. Remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice, even if you don't directly know anyone who fits into this category.

Perspective

Last night was a very tiring and frustrating night for me. Jackson has entered a phase of not wanting to go to sleep. I don't know if he's got days and nights confused or what, but I was so exhausted last night and his refusal to sleep was driving me crazy. But this morning, I read news that put things in perspective. A few weeks ago, my friend Christie sent me a link to a website about a little miracle named Kayleigh Anne Freeman. She was born 3 months early weighing only one pound. The blog was made by her parents with updates on all the struggles and breakthroughs that Kayleigh had gone through. This morning I saw the update that I most didn't want to see. Little Kayleigh passed away last night. Suddenly, my feelings of tiredness faded away as I held Jackson a little closer. Last night in my frustration, I remember saying "please Lord, let him go to sleep." This morning, I remembered to say a prayer of thanks for the fact that my son is happy and healthy - something that I don't say as often as I should. I know that Kayleigh is in a much better place now, and she is whole and healthy while she waits for her mommy & daddy to someday join her. My prayers and thoughts are with the Freeman family today, even though I'v never met any of them. Her parents showed an amazing display of faith through everything their family has been through. You can read all the updates at www.kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com.

Lost

**Disclaimer** I have debated over posting this or not for a few days now. I DO NOT mean to make anyone feel guilty, offended, or angry. Having said that, I decided to go ahead and post this since it's really been on my mind.

For lack of a better word, I just feel lost. There are a couple of factors causing that, I think. I don't know how to describe my main issue. I thought it was guilt but instead maybe beating myself up is a better phrase to describe it. I feel like I should be taking more pictures and video than I do to send to Daniel so he doesn't miss out on Jackson's growing up, but I just don't have time. So then I feel guilty over him missing out. I look around at my house and think about how I really should clean it up more. I feel like Jackson and I should really stay at home more often instead of with my parents. I mean, they didn't ask me to have a child, so I feel bad sometimes wondering if we are being a bother. I feel guilty when my mom does so much to help with Jackson. I know she does it because she loves him, but I just cant help but think that if were better at taking care of him, she wouldn't have to help so much. I question myself so often as to whether I am doing the right things when taking care of Jackson. When we are home and he gets fussy, I wonder if it isn't at least in part because he prefers the way his Nana does things. In some ways, I would really like some kind of "me time". Just to do something that I enjoy-watching some races, going shopping, even if I dont end up buying anything, having dinner out with friends. I know there are lots of people who would watch Jackson for me to do any of those, but at the same time I want this "me time" I know I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy myself, because I would be thinking about Jackson. Even leaving him with my mom while I run pick up groceries or something makes me feel like I need to rush and get back. I really don't sleep enough. Not that I don't want to, I just can't. I try to go to bed earlier than midnight, and I just lay there awake. I think it's because all the things running through my head, such as "I should get up and go do laundry", or "did I remember to add x to my list for when I go to the store?".

The other issue - and this is the one that has potential to offend people, so please remember, that's not my intent - is I sometimes feel lost in the shuffle, so to speak. Please don't get me wrong, I love that so many people care about Jackson, and I know we are blessed by how many people are concerned about how Daniel is doing. But there are times when people ask how they are and then the conversation moves onto other things. Sometimes I just want to yell "thanks for remembering to ask how I am." Yes, I do realize how selfish that sounds. But I am not asking for entire conversations to revolve around me. All I want is to feel like I'm important, too. Yes, I know that people will ask about Jackson because he's a baby, and they will ask about Daniel because he's deployed. But I'm here too. And there are lots of times it seems as though people forget that I'm dealing with a new baby and a deployed husband. Even if all I respond with is "I'm fine" it's still nice to be asked how I am. While I was pregnant, the first thing most people asked was if I was doing OK, and if there was anything I needed. Now, I sometimes feel overlooked. Daniel has even been guilty of doing this. There have been times he has called and asked lots of questions about Jackson, and I have had to remind him that in addition to asking how he's been doing, he could ask how I am. Maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis, I don't know. I love Jackson more than I can describe, and I wouldn't give up being his mommy for anything in the world. And it's OK that people now identify me primarily as "Jackson's Mommy" but I do wish people would remember that in addition to being Jackson's Mommy, and Daniel's wife, I'm also still Christy. People may think it's selfish of me to think that, but I hope they will remember, I've been me for 32 years. Of those years, I've been a wife for not even half of them, about 10 years. And I've been a mom for just a few weeks. So I don't want to lose who I've been all my life. If you think that's selfish, then I guess I am.

Good news

I got an email today from the family readiness group (FRG). I get one once a month with updates, news, etc. Today's newsletter had information about workshops to prepare for redeployment (AKA COMING HOME!!!) that take place around 60 days prior to homecoming. The first is set to take place at the end of May. There was also a letter from the commander with questions about redeployment. They are set to come home sometime in August. So, within 3-4 months, Daniel should be home. I'm so excited over that news. He had said he had heard August as a time frame, but I took it with a grain of salt until now. Seeing it in black and white helps make it more concrete! I am so excited!! I'm not counting down number of days yet, but I'm sure I'll start doing so soon enough.

Sad

I got an email from my FRG contact regarding the passing of the wife of a solider in the 45th Fires Brigade. The soldier was with a different division, the 120th, so I'm sure Daniel doesn't know him. But it still made me very sad. Besides her husband, she leaves behind three young daughters. It got me to thinking about Daniel and all the other soldiers and how hard it is for them to be away. I mean, I know it's hard, but something like this happening just reminds me HOW hard it is. I've often wondered and prayed about Daniel's safety, but I think I just took it for granted that he's too busy with other things to worry about me and Jackson. I don't know the details of the death, if it was an accident or a long term illness. Not that it matters, either way I am sure it's sending shockwaves on both sides of the globe. For the fellow soldiers of this new widower thinking "could that be me and my family?" and for us here at home wondering, like me, "I haven't thought about anything happening to ME while my soldier is gone, but it hits home that it can." Of course, anything can happen to anyone at any time. I guess just seeing that email with that news put me into a funk.

Random Things, Vol. 3

1. I am SOOOO incredibly thankful that I live so close to my parents and that they are so willing to help me. A couple of days ago, I wasn't feeling too great. I wasn't sick, but my stomach just felt "weird". Later that night, around 10, it went from weird to full blown sick. Lemme tell ya, trying to take care of a baby while being sick is no picnic. I tried to tough it out but around 1 am, I gave in and packed Jackson up and we headed to my parents for help. They took over for the rest of the night so I could get some rest. (For the record, whatever stomach bug I had is now, thankfully, gone.)

2. I'm glad I don't live up in the Northern part of the country. Right now, my brother is stuck in Wyoming with roads closed due to snow. I can imagine just how bored and frustrated he is wanting to get home. (He works for a hot shot service hauling stuff in case you are wondering why he is in Wyoming.)

3. My nephew just turned six months old and got his first tooth. I like the fact that he and Jackson are so close in age, cause it kinda gives me a timeframe reference for when Jackson will be hitting milestones.

4. While I much prefer the warmer spring weather over the cold winter weather, I'm also dreading spring/summer weather as well. For one reason alone. Lawn-mowing. Anyone who has read this blog for a while knows just how much I don't like mowing the lawn. Before I would suck it up and do it. But now, with Jackson I am not sure what I am going to do about it. I hate to pay someone to do it, but I may break down and have to. So much for trying to save money.

5. I dislike standing in line at the post office. But, I have a box to send to Daniel so I guess I'd better wrap up this post and go do it.

WANTED: One Fairy Godmother

Now accepting applications for a Fairy Godmother. Must provide own wand. Job requirements include the ability to provide a clean house instantly, laundry cleaned and put away at a moment's notice, instant delivery of groceries and household items, and providing a full night's sleep.

Seriously, while all that would be nice, I don't have my head so far in the clouds to actually think a sweet little old lady is going to appear in front of my eyes faster than I can say "bippity boppity boo." But wouldn't it be nice if it would happen? Jackson was extra gassy - and therefore extra fussy - Monday and he wanted nothing more than to be held and cuddled since he didn't feel well. I absolutely love and adore holding and cuddling him. But I try not to do it ALL the time because (a) I don't want him to think he needs to ALWAYS be held and cuddled, and (b) if I did, I would NEVER get anything done around my house. Monday, however, was an exception since I could tell he wasn't feeling well. After a while though I decided I needed help, so we packed up and went to my parent's house so that Nana could help comfort him too. (and I could go to the bathroom in peace without hearing him scream in protest to being put down. ) We ended up staying there a couple of nights. So, add together the time I spent Monday holding him rather than taking care of stuff around the house, plus Monday evening through Thursday late afternoon not being home, and the things I try to do when Jackson sleeps piled up. I have laundry in both the washer and dryer right now. Thankfully, I wasn't home to make a mess in the kitchen and I did get the trash out to the curb for pickup before I left. I usually try to take care of the deeper cleaning things (mopping, laundry, bathroom clean-up, etc) while Jackson naps. So now I get to play catchup. So, if you know of a Fairy Godmother looking for work, send her my way.

Extreme Makeover: Blog Edition

OK, say it with me now - "Bus driver, move that bus!" Oh, wait a second....if you are reading this you're already seeing the new look to the blog. And if you aren't seeing it, then that means you have tunnel vision and just zoomed straight in to the words. So, take a minute and look around....I redecorated. I added a new look to Jackson's blog, too. Yes, I was bored. No, I'm not talented/web savvy enough that I did either of them all on my own. Thank goodness for premade layouts and background codes.

Other than the new look here, not a lot new is going on. Jackson is one month old now, which amazes me. I can't believe it's been a month already. I agree with something my mom said the other day. In some ways, I want him to grow up already, but in others I want him to stay this little for a long time. I really can't wait to see how he develops, his personality and characteristics, but at the same time, I love how sweet and cuddly he is right now. He is really a good baby, and hardly ever cranky and fussy. Otherwise, I'm sure I would be begging and praying for him to grow up in a hurry. I do miss getting to sleep 6-8 hours in a row, rather than sleep 2-3 hours and then get up for about an hour to do diaper change/feeding. Just one of the many reasons I miss Daniel. If he were home, I know I could get at least one night here and there of full sleep while he took over. I don't really feel sleep deprived, but I can tell that it does make a difference in the straight through vs interrupted sleep.

We went and saw extended family on Easter. It was nice to see everyone, and fun introducing Jackson to his great aunts and uncles and cousins. Everyone said he was adorable, which made me feel proud. Pictures of him in his Easter outfit and his Easter basket were uploaded to his blog, if you haven't already seen them.

Now that I hear quiet coming from the crib, I'm going to take advantage of it and get some things done while Jackson naps. So, that's it for this update. See you soon!

An update

Easter is this weekend. I'm both excited about it and sad. Excited because it's Jackson's first holiday. Sad because it's his first holiday, and his Daddy isn't here to celebrate it with us. We're going to go to my uncle's house. It's a joint family celebration for both Easter and for my aunt's retirement. It'll be the first time that most of my aunts and uncles meet Jackson and my nephew Landon. It will also be the first time I meet the new spouses of a couple of cousins, so it should be a fun time. I got Jackson an Easter basket. It's blue camo. The way it's made, it's actually a blue camo hat that will come apart from the actual basket. I'll post pictures of it later, along with pictures of Jackson in his Easter outfit. Daniel picked out the outfit while he was home. It's really cute, khakis, a polo shirt and vest. He looks adorable in it.

Jackson and I are doing fine. He's had a little bit of a stuffy nose, but no fever or anything. He's really a good baby. He usually only cries when he's hungry or needs to be changed. I'm hoping he stays that way and doesn't turn into a cranky baby. We're still working on sleep patterns. Last night, he slept well from 9pm to 1 am. But, from 1 am to almost 3 it was time to be awake, according to him. He almost always wakes up anywhere from 10:30 to 12pm. Some nights he goes right back to sleep after being changed and fed, but others, like last night, he decides he should be a night owl. I should be going to bed early when he goes to sleep for the first time at night, but I've tried it, and I just lay there awake until 11-12pm. But I can usually catch a nap late mornings or early afternoons when he sleeps. While I'd like more of a long stretch of sleep, I'm not feeling too tired. Most days, anyway.