Home at last!

I am very happy to say, for those of you who didn't know, DANIEL IS HOME!! He got home Monday of this week. Yay!!! We are both adjusting to him being back The other night, I was feeding Jackson while he put away laundry. I am so used to being alone in the house with Jackson that when Daniel made a noise, for a few seconds it scared me and I thought to myself "what WAS that???" I had a good laugh at myself when I realized it was my own husband in the house. Daniel is getting used to Jackson's quirks, cries, and moods. I think Jackson is really liking Daddy being home. Daddy makes all sorts of goofy faces and makes him giggle all the time.

Even though Daniel is home, I still plan on keeping this blog up. I find it to be a useful tool for me at times to try to vent or express myself. I know, I go up and down on updating it, sometimes posting more than once a day, and sometimes a month or more goes by with nothing new. But until further notice anyway, I'm keeping it. Maybe now that Daniel is home, we can get a routine established for all 3 of us, and I will actually be able to update on a more regular basis.

Here's a couple of pictures of Daniel's homecoming.

Wow time flies...

when you have a baby. It feels like just yesterday that I posted an update, but it's been a month. We are now on the home stretch towards Daniel coming home. If the dates they gave out at the reunion workshop hold up, we're down to a little less than 3 weeks left! Last time I talked to Daniel, he said the group to replace them had arrived and he was pretty bored since the replacements have taken over.

On the news front, I am now the wife of a Sergeant! Daniel got promoted!! I actually knew before he did. I logged in to see the exact amount of the next paycheck, and saw a weird amount on one of the stubs. When I looked at it closer, it was a pay adjustment for a promotion. I emailed him to ask why he hadn't told me. My email was the first he knew it it! Kind of funny when you think about it. Last I talked to him, they hadn't done the pinning thing....think they were waiting on a formation with everyone there. But it's done and official on the paperwork. We are very proud of him!!

Jackson is growing like a weed! He had his 4 month check up today, and is 18 pounds, 24 1/2 inches long, and healthy & happy. (For those of you who read his blog, I know, I know, I am late with his 4 month letter. Working on it, I promise.) He laughs all the time now, and makes some of the funniest faces. He usually has a great big grin when he sees himself in the mirror. He hasn't quite gotten the concept of reaching towards peopled he wants to go to...rather, he leans towards them with his whole upper body. It's pretty cute to watch. I think he is going to have Daniel's big feet. His cousin Landon is 9 months old, and Jackson's feet - at 4 months old - are just as big, if not bigger than Landon's.

I am doing the job search merry-go-round. Though it's not been as merry as I'd like it to be. I actually have two interviews lined up for tomorrow, so hopefully one of them will pan out. I would love more time with Jackson, but with Daniel coming home, the extra duty and combat pay stops. I'm ready for us to be a complete family again, so I'd rather go back to work and have Daniel home. I have a daycare selected, just waiting until I have to put him in to do so.

I have disliked the floor in our kitchen since we bought this house. I finally decided on the flooring I wanted to use...and that started a chain reaction of sorts. I have painted the walls, and now have plans to paint the cabinets. Me & my "small" projects that morph into bigger ones. LOL!I wasn't thinking about taking before & after photos before I painted, but I will take some before I start the cabinets.

Well, there you have it...the latest news from the Martin home front. I will update when I hear about a job and/or when I hear about Daniel's homecoming and/or I finish the kitchen. Whichever comes first....

Till then, thanks for reading.

Insert Witty Title Here

Wow, I guess I have really slacked off on blogging, huh? Well, I'm gonna go with the whole no news is good news excuse. I just haven't felt like I had that much to say. Things are going pretty well, for the most part. A little over a week ago, Jackson scared me half to death. We were staying the night at my parents house on Friday night because I was going to go the next day to a workshop to help prepare families for the return of our soldiers. (Yay! More on that later.) Jackson was on my lap. One minute, he was perfectly fine and content, the next he started crying as though he was in pain. It came so out of nowhere that I was honestly looking to see if I could anywhere that he had been bitten, thinking there had been a spider I hadn't seen or something. Nothing could comfort him. He usually loves bathtime, so we tried that but when it didn't and he was still crying and got really pale, my mom went with me to take him to the ER to be checked out. At his two month appointment, his pediatrician was a little concerned because his breathing rate was faster than normal. At that time, he sent us for x-rays and lab work, but they all came back clear. So the doctor just said to watch for any breathing that seemed off of his usual normal. When he turned pale that night, his breathing got pretty shallow. We got checked into the ER (After dealing with an admissions clerk who was more interested in the new text message coming in on her phone than in doing her job...I called the next week & complained about that one.)and waited. They called us back and as they went to take his tempertature, Jackson threw up, a lot. I was, at that point, freaking out with worry. Just a few minutes later, as he was laying there, I noticed that the area around his mouth was turning blue. We got the ER people in there and they saw it but just as soon as it started, it faded back to normal. We waited until the doctor came in. He examined him and said it was colic. I questioned the blue around the mouth and he said it wasn't that unusual for a baby with colic and since it disappeared pretty quickly, it wasn't a big concern. (Umm, I'm a first time mom with a deployed husband, and you're telling me my baby turning blue, although an admittedly pale shade of blue, isn't a big concern?? ) Anyway, we were sent home with the diagnosis of colic. I went ahead and went to the workshop Saturday, knowing he was in good hands with my mom. Over the rest of the weekend, I noticed a couple more times that the little blue area came back again but just as soon as it appeared, it was gone again. I called first thing Monday to get an appointment with the pediatrician, and wouldn't you know it, he was on vacation that week. So I set an appointment with the PA. I explained the events of the weekend and how I was a little confused on the colic deal because everything I had read indicated it is diagnosed about 3-4 weeks of age and is usually done by 3-4 months. I couldn't find anywhere that it would start at 3 months. Personally, I don't think its actual colic but more of isolated incidents of excessive gassiness. He has had a couple more episodes, but not as bad as the one that sent us to the ER. I asked about the blue, and she said that most babies his age are still learning all their body processes and the fact that it corrects itself immediately is good. She said it is probably something that he has always done, but I just happened to notice it Friday night while we were in the ER and that since then I was on hightened awareness of it. His oxygen levels in the ER and in the office were good, so unless it gets to be more frequent or doesn't immediately correct itself there is no real cause for concern. I have looked to see if I noticed it anymore, but so far, so good.

I started sending in my resume trying to find a job. I am not looking forward to the whole job finding process, but it's gotta be done. Once Daniel comes home to his civilian job, he'll be having a cut in pay over what he makes now, so we've gotta pick up the slack. I just started this last week, so I haven't had time to get discouraged yet, and I am going to try my best to not get too frustrated with the search. I did find a day care that I like for Jackson, so once I do find a job, I have a place to put him. Keep your fingers crossed and prayers said for me that I can find a job locally and not have to commute. I really dont wanna have to do that.

According to the workshop I went to, Daniel should be home sometime August 8-11. I hope they are right and it doesnt get pushed back. Our 10th anniverasry is the 14th and I would love for him to be home for it. We'll see, the Army may have other plans.

Thats all the updates I have for now, and Jackson just woke up from his nap incredibly crabby, so I better get back to real life instead of blogging. Til next time...

In Honor Of.......

Later today, I will be heading over to help with Relay For Life. For anyone reading who may not be familiar with it their website explains all the details, but in a nutshell, it's an overnight event for the American Cancer Society. Teams raise pledges, camp out for the night and take turns walking throughout the night to raise awareness and funds. If you've never been to one, it's hard to describe but it's an amazing experience. Even if you and your immediate family and circle of friends hasn't experienced cancer, it still affects so many people. I know I don't have to think very hard to know of extended family members and some dear friends from my church who have fought it.

I started helping a few years ago when my friend's mom asked if my old Girl Scout troop could help. She was the chair of the luminaria committee. We had already wrapped up our events for the year, but I told her I would help. I had no idea what I would be doing, but it has turned out that the luminaria ceremony is my favorite part of the night. For $5, people purchase a candle that is placed in memory of those lost or in honor of those who are battling cancer. After dark, the names of all those with a candle are read as the lights are all put out and the candles lit. It is a beautiful and touching time.

Tonight, I will light one of the luminarias in honor of my friend, Jesica. I could tell you about Jesica, but instead, I'm going to steal something she wrote on her blog that has stuck with me since the day I first read it. (It's ok, she doesn't know that I'm stealing it from her, but I didn't know she was gonna steal my Memorial Day post until I saw it. haha!)

Feeling Less Crazy
I'm not sad today. I'm not angry today. Today just feels normal.

That frustrates me a little bit, that in my life having cancer is normal. I can't imagine anything further from what I had planned for my life.

It's April, now. In two months it will have been 3 years since my original diagnosis. That's a long time. Do you know what happens in a child's life in just three years? I do. My youngest was only 6 months old when I was diagnosed. She didn't do much. Eat, drink, poop, sleep, cry. She's now 3. She walks, talks, tells jokes, plays ring around the Rosie, and irritates the mess out of her brother.

Three years. *sigh* It's a lifetime.

In some ways it has raced by and I find myself amazed that it's been so long. In other ways, it feels like forever. I have to stop and think to remember the last time I felt "normal" or "healthy."

Three years. Four occurrences. Three different chemo regiments. Four surgeries. Two states. Four homes. Three doctors. Countless tears and twice as many laughs.

Three years. A million prayers. A million thank yous.

One Long Fight

I still tear up when I see this post from her. I said it to her then, and I will say it again now, she is an amazing woman. She has a faith that I strive to have. I pray that if I ever have to face struggles as big as the ones she has endured, I will have at least half of the grace and strength she has shown, even in the times when I know she has been scared and frustrated.

So Jesica, my friend, not only will I light a candle in honor of your fight tonight, this post is also done in honor of you. Happy (day late) Birthday!

Must......Catch.......Up

Yes, I am still alive and well. No, I didn't break my computer or lose my internet connection. I've just been busy doing things other than blogging. Nothing big, special, or super important, I've just not been in a bloggy kind of mood. Lemme see if I can do a run down on the happenings around here lately.

Daniel is doing fine. He should be home sometime in August. Hopefully before our 10th anniversary on the 14th. (Speaking of, my mom found a bottle of champaign that my uncle gave us for our wedding. Does champaign age like wines or should I chunk it in the trash? Was thinking it might be neat to have for our celebration. Anyone know?)There's really not a lot of news from his front, other than he is ready to come home.

Jackson is doing great. I got a little freaked out at his two month appointment. His doctor was concerned that his breathing rate was elevated, so instead of doing the shots that day, he sent us to have blood work and a chest xray done. They both came back fine. I was just told to call the doctor if Jackson starts breathing fast constantly or if his breathing becomes labored or seems off to me. He is growing fast! He was 13 lbs, 13 oz and 22 1/2 inches at his two month appointment. He has started to smile, and he has the CUTEST little dimples when he does. I think I may have an exhibitionist on my hands. When his diaper is being changed, he usually giggles once he's naked. Not sure if the air just feels good to him or what, but it's pretty funny. I just hope this doesn't mean he's gonna prefer to be naked. I have put the phone on speaker several times when Daniel has called, and when he hears Daddy's voice, he just looks at the phone kind of like "where's that voice coming from?" Sometimes he will talk back to Daddy with lots of goos and ahhs.

I'm doing ok. I'm dreading the fact that I am going to have to go back to work when Daniel comes home. As much as I would love to stay at home with Jackson, Daniel's civilian job doesn't pay as much as the Army does, so we gotta close that gap. I can already tell it's going to break my heart to have to leave him. I just keep telling myself that it'll be good for him, and that he needs to learn to interact and play with others. But even with that, truth be told, if there was a way for me to stay home and be able to stay on top of our bills, I would not be considering putting him in daycare. I know I have to be the grown up about it though, so I plan to cherish as much time as possible for the next few months. I'm also not looking forward to the whole find a new job process. Ugh. Lately I have been dealing with insomnia. Not a fun thing to do. But I think it's slowly getting better. (she says as it's 1:24 am as she types.) Eventually I will get back to a normal schedule.

Thats all that I really have to update. Now you know why the blog has been slow....there hasn't been much to report. But we are all doing well, and are very appreciative of all the people who continue to pray for us, and keep in touch to make sure we are ok. Maybe next time I will find something more exciting to blog about. Til then.....

Memorial Day

Many people are looking forward to this weekend because they see it as the kick-off to summer, or because the last long weekend they had was too far back. I am glad summer is here, and I know if I were working, I would definately be ready for a long weekend. It's also a time when we think of our loved ones who have passed. But I'd also like to ask everyone reading to take a moment to remember the men and women who serve our country, and those who served in the past. Remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice, even if you don't directly know anyone who fits into this category.

Perspective

Last night was a very tiring and frustrating night for me. Jackson has entered a phase of not wanting to go to sleep. I don't know if he's got days and nights confused or what, but I was so exhausted last night and his refusal to sleep was driving me crazy. But this morning, I read news that put things in perspective. A few weeks ago, my friend Christie sent me a link to a website about a little miracle named Kayleigh Anne Freeman. She was born 3 months early weighing only one pound. The blog was made by her parents with updates on all the struggles and breakthroughs that Kayleigh had gone through. This morning I saw the update that I most didn't want to see. Little Kayleigh passed away last night. Suddenly, my feelings of tiredness faded away as I held Jackson a little closer. Last night in my frustration, I remember saying "please Lord, let him go to sleep." This morning, I remembered to say a prayer of thanks for the fact that my son is happy and healthy - something that I don't say as often as I should. I know that Kayleigh is in a much better place now, and she is whole and healthy while she waits for her mommy & daddy to someday join her. My prayers and thoughts are with the Freeman family today, even though I'v never met any of them. Her parents showed an amazing display of faith through everything their family has been through. You can read all the updates at www.kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com.

Lost

**Disclaimer** I have debated over posting this or not for a few days now. I DO NOT mean to make anyone feel guilty, offended, or angry. Having said that, I decided to go ahead and post this since it's really been on my mind.

For lack of a better word, I just feel lost. There are a couple of factors causing that, I think. I don't know how to describe my main issue. I thought it was guilt but instead maybe beating myself up is a better phrase to describe it. I feel like I should be taking more pictures and video than I do to send to Daniel so he doesn't miss out on Jackson's growing up, but I just don't have time. So then I feel guilty over him missing out. I look around at my house and think about how I really should clean it up more. I feel like Jackson and I should really stay at home more often instead of with my parents. I mean, they didn't ask me to have a child, so I feel bad sometimes wondering if we are being a bother. I feel guilty when my mom does so much to help with Jackson. I know she does it because she loves him, but I just cant help but think that if were better at taking care of him, she wouldn't have to help so much. I question myself so often as to whether I am doing the right things when taking care of Jackson. When we are home and he gets fussy, I wonder if it isn't at least in part because he prefers the way his Nana does things. In some ways, I would really like some kind of "me time". Just to do something that I enjoy-watching some races, going shopping, even if I dont end up buying anything, having dinner out with friends. I know there are lots of people who would watch Jackson for me to do any of those, but at the same time I want this "me time" I know I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy myself, because I would be thinking about Jackson. Even leaving him with my mom while I run pick up groceries or something makes me feel like I need to rush and get back. I really don't sleep enough. Not that I don't want to, I just can't. I try to go to bed earlier than midnight, and I just lay there awake. I think it's because all the things running through my head, such as "I should get up and go do laundry", or "did I remember to add x to my list for when I go to the store?".

The other issue - and this is the one that has potential to offend people, so please remember, that's not my intent - is I sometimes feel lost in the shuffle, so to speak. Please don't get me wrong, I love that so many people care about Jackson, and I know we are blessed by how many people are concerned about how Daniel is doing. But there are times when people ask how they are and then the conversation moves onto other things. Sometimes I just want to yell "thanks for remembering to ask how I am." Yes, I do realize how selfish that sounds. But I am not asking for entire conversations to revolve around me. All I want is to feel like I'm important, too. Yes, I know that people will ask about Jackson because he's a baby, and they will ask about Daniel because he's deployed. But I'm here too. And there are lots of times it seems as though people forget that I'm dealing with a new baby and a deployed husband. Even if all I respond with is "I'm fine" it's still nice to be asked how I am. While I was pregnant, the first thing most people asked was if I was doing OK, and if there was anything I needed. Now, I sometimes feel overlooked. Daniel has even been guilty of doing this. There have been times he has called and asked lots of questions about Jackson, and I have had to remind him that in addition to asking how he's been doing, he could ask how I am. Maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis, I don't know. I love Jackson more than I can describe, and I wouldn't give up being his mommy for anything in the world. And it's OK that people now identify me primarily as "Jackson's Mommy" but I do wish people would remember that in addition to being Jackson's Mommy, and Daniel's wife, I'm also still Christy. People may think it's selfish of me to think that, but I hope they will remember, I've been me for 32 years. Of those years, I've been a wife for not even half of them, about 10 years. And I've been a mom for just a few weeks. So I don't want to lose who I've been all my life. If you think that's selfish, then I guess I am.

Good news

I got an email today from the family readiness group (FRG). I get one once a month with updates, news, etc. Today's newsletter had information about workshops to prepare for redeployment (AKA COMING HOME!!!) that take place around 60 days prior to homecoming. The first is set to take place at the end of May. There was also a letter from the commander with questions about redeployment. They are set to come home sometime in August. So, within 3-4 months, Daniel should be home. I'm so excited over that news. He had said he had heard August as a time frame, but I took it with a grain of salt until now. Seeing it in black and white helps make it more concrete! I am so excited!! I'm not counting down number of days yet, but I'm sure I'll start doing so soon enough.

Sad

I got an email from my FRG contact regarding the passing of the wife of a solider in the 45th Fires Brigade. The soldier was with a different division, the 120th, so I'm sure Daniel doesn't know him. But it still made me very sad. Besides her husband, she leaves behind three young daughters. It got me to thinking about Daniel and all the other soldiers and how hard it is for them to be away. I mean, I know it's hard, but something like this happening just reminds me HOW hard it is. I've often wondered and prayed about Daniel's safety, but I think I just took it for granted that he's too busy with other things to worry about me and Jackson. I don't know the details of the death, if it was an accident or a long term illness. Not that it matters, either way I am sure it's sending shockwaves on both sides of the globe. For the fellow soldiers of this new widower thinking "could that be me and my family?" and for us here at home wondering, like me, "I haven't thought about anything happening to ME while my soldier is gone, but it hits home that it can." Of course, anything can happen to anyone at any time. I guess just seeing that email with that news put me into a funk.